Thoughts on Control 

Christina Auerbach RN,RM, MEd. CBP. PaRama BP July 2020

Life rarely unfolds exactly as we want it to. The fact that we are not actually in control of life’s events should be self-evident yet we are constantly trying to control and determine what will happen in our lives. This creates tension, anxiety and fear. We all believe things should be the way we want them to be rather than being the natural result of all the forces of creation.

The battle between individual will and the reality of life unfolding around us can end up consuming our lives. Michael Singer in ‘The Surrender Experiment’, writes that when we win this battle we are happy and relaxed and when we don’t we are disturbed and stressed. He points out that since most people only feel good when things are going their way, we are constantly trying to control things in our lives.

BodyTalk Founder Dr. John Veltheim, in his Principles of Consciousness course, explains that as we grow up we develop coping mechanisms and learn to modify our behaviour to meet another’s expectations. Each coping mechanism is equivalent to a ‘mask’ we wear which results in the ‘hiding’ of our true nature. We become what we think the world wants us to be and we live in a world manufactured by our intellect. Our senses perceive a world that fits our accumulated beliefs about that world and we lose our sense of spontaneity. Each new mask or behaviour modification brings with it an increasing sense of separation from others. We change our behaviour because we think people won’t accept the real us. Pleasing others encourages us to make plans to achieve things, shutting out the present moment in favour of some future goal. Issues around time become distorted and exaggerated and we react badly when plans go wrong since it emphasizes our inability to control the world.

Singer describes the natural order. Planets stay in orbit, night follows day, tiny seeds grow into giant trees and a single fertilized cell develops into a miraculous life form. None of these things are due to conscious acts of will on our part but are being done by the incomprehensible perfection of life itself. Singer asks the question – ‘If the natural unfolding of the process of life can create and take care of the entire world, is it really reasonable for us to assume that nothing good will happen unless we force it to?’

When we observe breath we realise it is something we have no control over, we don’t own it or do it. Russill Paul in his book The Yoga of Sound points out that breathing is continually happening to us all the time. Each breath is a sign that the universe is giving us our existence in this moment. 

Veltheim stresses that the degree to which we desire to control our environment is directly related to the degree to which we experience separation. We all have an instinctual need to feel connected, to family, community, the world, God or some other symbol of divine consciousness. The light of consciousness that shines out from one person’s eyes is the same light of consciousness that shines out from everyone else’s but we forget this. The desire for control is driven by the fear that comes from separation, a fear that our needs will not be met.

Singer asks the question – ‘What would happen if we respected the flow of life and used our free will to participate in what is unfolding instead of fighting it?’ His book, The Surrender Experiment, is well worth reading.

As a person grows in their awareness of themselves as part of a larger consciousness, as they become more accepting of themselves and of the present moment, the masks start to be shed. Intellect becomes grounded in the present as opposed to past and future and discernment kicks in allowing for a natural measure of things in terms of work, diet, leisure and play. We can work towards goals and make plans but also take time to ‘smell the roses’. When we become aware of our true nature we no longer feel separate from the universe or God and the need to control falls away. We are able to ‘go with the flow’ which paradoxically allows us to be more efficient with optimal results. It is when we stop worrying about what people may think that we find we can do our best. This is putting into action the often heard phrase “Let go, let God.”

As a BodyTalk Practitioner it is impossible for me not to share a little of the effects of our attempts at control on the body. Our system of allopathic medicine in the West is only a few hundred years old and while invaluable it is only just beginning to appreciate the centuries of wisdom and knowledge that other systems of medicine have to offer. 

The Lungs and Control.

In Traditional Chinese medicine, the lungs are understood to not only allow gas exchange to take place in the body but also to distribute Qi or energy throughout the body. Biological physicist Bruce Lipton and scientist Dr Candace Pert have both described how emotions that are experienced by a person stimulate the brain to release polypeptides into the bloodstream. Each emotion has different polypeptides and different parts of the body contain cells with receptors for these. The lungs are designed to store grief allowing us through actively grieving to release our attachments to people, animals, and life situations that are no longer part of our lives. The consciousness of our lungs is surrender because we have to release our attachments to the past as we release each breath. When we hold on (try to control), our breathing becomes shallow, we feel suffocated, have no energy and are unable to grow in understanding. When we can’t grieve, we cry instead into our lungs creating a situation of pneumonia without infection.

The primary job of the lungs is to allow us to breathe in and accept our life and in the breathing out, to surrender our attachments to people and life situations so that we can make graceful transitions between one stage of life and the next.

The Large Intestines and Control.

The large intestines help us to maintain a proper fluid balance in the body and to eliminate waste products. In Traditional Chinese medicine they are also understood to eliminate impure thoughts and emotions. The desire to be in control of every situation leads to the inability to surrender ‘yesterday’s emotions.’ This manifests in constipation. If the desire to control is strong enough we become compulsive in our actions and unable to let go of dysfunctional behaviour.

The primary job of the large intestines is to allow us to release the past and cleanly enter each day with an open mind.

In conclusion, as with just about everything in life, cultivating mindfulness is a very important part of becoming aware of how much influence the desire for control is having in one’s life. Being present in prayer and /or meditation, feeling gratitude for all the many wonders of life, practicing active listening to one’s own thoughts and to others and being aware of and meeting the needs that are presenting in the present moment. Most importantly having faith and trust that all is unfolding as it should.

Bibliography

Lipton, B., 2005, The Biology of Belief. New York: Hay House.
Paul, R., 2004, The Yoga of Sound. Novato, CA: New World Library.
Pert, C., 1997, Molecules of Emotion. New York: Scribner.
Singer, M., 2015, The Surrender Experiment. New York: Harmony Books.
Veltheim, J., 2013, Principles of Consciousness 8th Ed. Sarasota, FL: International BodyTalk Association.

Louisa De Villiers. Narrative Therapist, George Western Cape.

One of the fundamental ideas in Narrative Therapy is to understand how language creates and changes our experiences, in particular the use of red and green language.  

The difference between red and green language almost speaks for itself:  

Red language increases the risk of a conversation, or argument.  

It would include phrases such as:
 
“Ahhhh, yes…here we go again…” (perhaps with a roll of the eyes)
“Really – are you actually saying this?”
“You are just like -----”
“Just get over it”
“What’s wrong with you?”

Hearing these words will probably have the following effect:

The person being spoken to will experience judgement, which in return will provoke blame.  The possibility of a sensible conversation is now very small – the environment is no longer safe.  Red language steals the possibility for logic and empathy.  And a conversation without logic and empathy has little chance of being a pleasant experience.

Green language creates a safe environment for a conversation.  

It includes empathy, a smile, a nod of the head, a compliment, appreciation and genuine interest in a person.  

Green words or phrases would include:

“I can hear that this is very important to you…”
“Can I make you a cup of tea?”
“It’s really good to see you”
“I enjoy talking to you, you have a way of putting things in new perspective for me”

Using green language instead of red language will reduce the risk in your relationships.

It encourages empathy which will lead to having a greater understanding for someone else’s situation.  

A practical way of introducing the idea of red and green language is to think of it a traffic light – red stops, green allows to continue.  Which words can you choose to have the same effect in a conversation? Which words that are spoken to you have that effect?  

I hope that the idea of red and green language is a useful tool for you.

Chrystelle Mouton, Narrative Therapist, George, Western Cape.

Imagine for a moment that anger is an entity in and of itself. What does anger look like to you? Which image does it provoke in your mind?

For all of us, that mental image and experience is probably very unique but here are a few things that I have learnt about anger.

Anger has a certain nature. It is blind to itself, it is convinced it is right, the rightness grows as the anger grows. Anger belittles and destroys other people. Anger holds others in judgement. Anger wants to convince us that we’re in a fight for our life be it emotional or relational. Anger has little time to consider the damage it causes. Anger is relentless. Anger creates a sense of war.

Can you relate to any of these characteristics or perhaps even expand on it?

Hello. I’m Chrystelle, one of the three therapists involved in the pastoral counselling centre in George that follows a Narrative Therapy approach. Today I’ll be introducing some ideas in respect of anger and out-of-control behaviour. I will also be touching on ways to manage these emotions to enable us to move towards compassion. That is the good news..there are ways to take control over anger.

I believe this is an issue that is very relevant to our society in general but it is even more prevalent in these times as our frustrations and fears grow due to the uncertainty that comes with the pandemic.
 
Many people are feeling more overwhelmed by what is happening at present and are feeling threatened and that they just cannot cope. It is important to understand that our brain and body responds to this state of being overwhelmed. The response to stress and threats is thus not only emotional as many of us might think but also physiological. The three main areas that are at play in emotional regulation are the Pre-frontal cortex, which helps you to make good decisions, the hippocampus, which helps you to remember and the Amygdala, which is concerned with our very basic instinct of survival. 

Have you ever felt so upset that you literally cannot think straight? That is when the Amygdala switches the pre-frontal cortex and hippocampus off because it is interpreting events as a threat to your survival.

Emotional flooding is a term used to describe this response and was coined by Dr John Gottman who is an expert in marital relationships. The concept is not limited to marriage and conflict between couples, but really is relevant to all relationships and situations where emotional control is compromised.

Flooding has also been described by Dr Dan Siegel as to “Flip your lid”. It is that state in which people can no longer think, the body responds with an escalated heart rate, you don’t hear well, if at all, your peripheral vision is compromised and you often keep on repeating yourself. The system kicks in with a flood of adrenaline and cortisol (our stress hormones) to help us deal with the stress we are experiencing. In this state, people feel and think as if they are being attacked. They respond with fight or flight – this is the function of the amygdala. They either get very angry and aggressive or they completely shut down.  

Dr Gottman found that a way of calming down is to take a break of 20 to 30 minutes (at least) for the flood of hormones to work its way through the body. One shouldnot think about the fight during that time. As long as you keep thinking about it, you stay escalated.

By recognising flooding we can choose to disengage and postpone conversations that could lead to a lot of harm and hurt.  So if you start feeling overwhelmed and activated by the flood of hormones, it would be the time to take a step back and ask for a break from the conversation. Call a time-out!!!

The pre-frontal cortex needs to come back online to then deal with the issue in a more reasonable way.

Take a walk and then go back. Do something self-soothing…read a book, watch television, go for a run. But make sure you take your mind off it.

It is important not to abandon the conversation, do go back and re-engage, but with a rational calm mind. When you return to the conversation, it should feel like a new conversation.

Blow-ups can cause so much damage and doing damage control after we’ve said very hurtful things where trust can be compromised, is much harder than regulating our emotions.

The fact that we can recognise our body’s response and have ways of regulating our response, gives us so many more options in how to deal with anger and blow-ups. These tools should also assist in having more compassion for your own responses. The challenge is to choose wisely and not allow anger to get the upperhand…